Sitting with Pain and Ego

So, since I have Joint Hypermobility Syndrome (I was diagnosed at 15-16), something that has bothered me plenty since I was a wee child, it hurts me plenty to sit in meditation for short or long periods of time. Most doctors I have consulted over the hypermobility have been rather unhelpful about the whole thing. One of the doctors I visited to consult about such matters, after reviewing the history of bone and articulation/joint difficulties in the family, and the fact that at one time my sister was suspected of having Marfans syndrome, suggested that my hypermobility might very well stem from Ehlers-Danlos Disease (EDS). Nobody has confirmed that (mostly because I haven’t spent enough time with these doctors), although Terra’s geneticist informed us that it could very well fit under the Familial Hypermobility type within the Ehlers-Danlos categories. After years of dealing with this, and viewing the family history, I suspect that is exactly what it is. I’ve learned to live with the pain, mostly, and my situation, although productive of plenhty of discomfort and pain, is certainly benign when compared to the other EDS categories.

I’ve been using a regular Zafu, stuffed with Kapok foam. I’ve also used a Buckwheat-filled Zafu. I mostly sit in the modified Burmese position, with one leg in front of the other, although sometimes I sit Seiza by getting the zafu’s under my legs (but one needs a firm cushion). Still, I can only last for so long, although I’m surprised at times at how long I have sometimes lasted. Funny thing is, this whole pain business has worked wonders at showing me how my ego seeks to reassert itself in sneaky ways. How so? It is clearly evident in my reluctance to sit in a chair for meditation. We predominantly have middle-aged or older members in our Sangha, so chairs are mostly used, with a few folks sitting in Zafus. So, I could easily sit in a chair for meditation, but I have this recalcitrance to sitting in a chair for meditation. My ego quite insidiously tells me “come on, sit in a chair, deal with the discomfort in order to truly have that Zen experience…” Insidious indeed. I’ve learned to recognize it quickly and those times when I feel undisposed to sit on a Zafu I happily use a chair and just smile any time ego comes up to chastise me about using a chair. But that recalcitrance, and the ego feelings underlying it, show up often enough in many guises: “stay put, don’t move that leg, deal with the pain, you meditate better this way…” I just smile and return to my breath, but I recognize that recalcitrance and that ego calling. I still fall for it often enough.

But the fact remains, I sit better on a Zafu, even if for shorter periods of time, than on a chair. I don’t feel as balanced on a chair. Still, I decided that besides shuffling back and forth between Zafu and chair, I would try a Seiza bench. So, just a week or so ago with my dad’s help I decided to make a Seiza bench. My mom and dad have been visiting, and since my dad is quite accomplished at building things, I asked him to embark on this project with me. I learned a lot, and gained much confidence by working with him on it. Heck, this first bench was his product not mine, although I helped every step of the way. In any case, the Seiza position is least painful on my hips and knees, although it does pose some stress on my ankles (which are already amazingly weak from plenty of falls and twists). So, we made a folding Seiza bench, and my mom made a wonderful cushion for it!

I am now the proud owner of a Seiza bench made out of beautiful Poplar. The support it provides is amazing, as I knew it would be. My hips and knees feel fine, although for longer periods of time my ankles start falling asleep. Neatest thing is that these Seiza benches are neither too expensive nor difficult to make. The cheapest folding Seiza bench I’ve seen advertised goes for about $49.00. I’ve also seen some for $129.00. I’d rather make the bench myself. Besides, the process is a mindfulness practice all by itself, filing and rounding edges, sanding, preparing the wood, and finishing the bench, make for wonderful quiet focus on what you are doing. For me the hardest part is making the cushion. I can’t sew, so I will have my mom make a few cushions with Velcro straps for the next few benches I make.

I’ll definitely be making a few of these for my sangha, and continue working on not letting ego get in the way of my sitting by constantly nagging me about what “true” Zen sitting must be like. I don't think the pain will go away, certainly not the difficulties with my joints. Such is life, but the more options for sitting the better. If you are interested in finding out more about Ehlers-Danlos, check out the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation site.

Comments

[Belly]

Pain and ego...amazing teachers if we let them be. For myself I found the swiss excercise ball works wonders if I need to sit for an extended period of time oddly enough it also does wonders for a 6 year old who is asked to sit and focus and they are now using them in my daughters classroom for the kids. Of course my mediation is not all that disciplined these days.

Take care!

[James]

Great post!!! I might have to make one of those since I have the legs falling asleep problem as well.

[haiku]

nacho: i am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this physical pain in your life. but in true zen style, you are able to practice with it and transform it into learning and growing.
i smiled when i read about your ego asserting itself when it comes to sitting on chairs. there was this period of a few weeks where it felt more comfortable to sit in a chair. i felt like it was being wimpy, giving in and going to the chair. it is funny to see how the ego asserts itself in every last detail!

[Gareth]

Excellent post! Thank you.

You have inspired me to create, not my own bench (not yet, anyway), but my own Zafu.

I know what you mean about that ego - I have trouble sitting at one dharma centre where the meditation cushions aren't as good as they might be, but I refused to sit on a chair - even though I have used this posture sucesful before - because it wasn't 'authentic' enough.

It's good to have you back.

[susurradeluz]

Hi Nacho,
For some reason the post above isn't taking comments, but I wanted to pass along my appreciation for the reference to my blog and for the kinds comments your readers are bringing there. Thanks again, your support has meant a lot.

[Nacho]

Hi Folks, thanks a lot for the nice comments. The blog has been experiencing some trouble so I've been trying to nurse it back to health. Belly, yes, I've seen those balls, apparently kids have to really devote some physical and emotional focus time to remaining stable in those. The therapist for our daughter also told us that it seems those balls allow attention deficit kids to focus better. Amazing no?

Gareth, so glad you are making one. I have my mom working on a cushion here. I think I can handle the wood better than the sewing! Haiku, thanks for the kind thoughts. I've lived with this pain all my lilfe, sometimes it is better sometimes not, but it can certainly get in the way.

James, I'm finding that even with the bench my left leg falls asleep! We are all made a bit different and so I suspect it is not the bench but a bit of misalignment in me that just makes that happen. I sit in the bench for the first meditation session, then walk, then sit on a cushion or chair, then maybe sit on the bench again. The variation and allowing the legs to strech and blood to circulate is important for me.

Susan, thanks for the kind words, but above all, thank you. You spun beauty out of grief and loss, and that was a wonderful teaching.

Thank you all,

N

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